On Sunday, our sister-in-law Kelly gave birth to a little girl, who, if we are able to adopt Baby J, will be his first cousin. We got to the hospital yesterday, and J was a little cranky, so we went looking for a restroom to change him. In all of UCLA Santa Monica hospital, there is no bathroom with changing facilities. We even discreetly checked out the women’s restrooms to see if by the old double standard, they were there in there, but no luck. Finally, we changed J’s diaper in the front lobby, and then learned that babies aren’t permitted to visit the maternity ward. That’s right: no babies allowed in maternity. H1N1 contamination fears, it seems. So I visited the beautiful little girl, and told J all about her. Hopefully he’ll get to meet her soon.
Earlier yesterday, we had our third meeting with birth mom and dad, which is stressful for all of us. Ian and I are in a strange state of being as foster-adoptive parents: we are supposed to be cheerleaders for reunification until that doesn’t work out, and then we’re supposed to snap into parent mode. Being human, and having this amazing little boy in our lives, whom we feed, burp, change, play with, tickle, and sometimes just stare wonderingly at while he stares back at us and then slowly grins … well, let’s just say our cheerleading for reunification with the birth parents sounds really false in our ears.
Baby J’s birth parents love him, that’s pretty clear. And he has not been neglected or abused. I don’t think they can take care of him, but it’s not my call. The judge here in California has decided to move the case to another state, where the birth parents actually live (one of them was visiting here when the incident occurred leading to J being taken away by the police), and we will see on Friday if that other state agrees to take the case, and with it, our boy. 50/50 odds, we’ve been told.
It’s hard to warm a bottle with crossed fingers.
We just want to be able to name the next blog posting "Week 3 With Baby J."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
First Week With Baby "J"
A friend came over this weeknd with her six-year-old daughter who noticed that I had not set up one of the play mats in the nursery, and the little girl made herself useful in fixing it for J. She patted my arm and said, “I know this is tough, but I think you’ll get a hang of it eventually.”
Friday was the biological mom’s detention hearing, to see whether it was legal for the state to take away her child to begin with. Since we heard nothing, that’s good. If it had been found in her favor, there wouldn’t have been any phone calls, just cops at our door to take him away.
Next, we’ll be hearing who the judge for this case will be, which will determine a lot. There are judges renowned for doing anything for reunification with mothers and babies (“M’am, if you could just do crack and whore on weekends only, maybe?”), and we’re hoping we don’t get one of those or it’ll be a long, drawn-out process.
Best scenario from our point of view is that the judge severs parental rights off the bat, and we’re fast track for adoption in 6 months. Otherwise it could take a year or more if the mother keeps getting second and third and fourth chances – which happens.
6 Things we have learned about Baby J this week:
1. He goes through 10 to 12 diapers a day, sometimes one right after the other.
2. Only 3 things make him cry: being wet, being hungry, needing a burp. It’s no use trying to find another reason, even if it doesn’t make sense that he could be wet, hungry, or needing a burp.
3. He had his first solid food – rice cereal – last night, and loved it. Ate every bit.
4. He is the most social baby. He beams when there’s company over, new people to coo over him.
5. He is fascinated by himself. He can stare into the mirror at himself without blinking.
6. He is nearly there on sitting up on his own, and can stand up as long as someone’s there to help him keep his balance. We may have to lower his mattress in his crib soon to keep him from climbing out.
One thing I didn't have to learn this week, but was emphasized:
1. Thank God for friends and family.
Friday was the biological mom’s detention hearing, to see whether it was legal for the state to take away her child to begin with. Since we heard nothing, that’s good. If it had been found in her favor, there wouldn’t have been any phone calls, just cops at our door to take him away.
Next, we’ll be hearing who the judge for this case will be, which will determine a lot. There are judges renowned for doing anything for reunification with mothers and babies (“M’am, if you could just do crack and whore on weekends only, maybe?”), and we’re hoping we don’t get one of those or it’ll be a long, drawn-out process.
Best scenario from our point of view is that the judge severs parental rights off the bat, and we’re fast track for adoption in 6 months. Otherwise it could take a year or more if the mother keeps getting second and third and fourth chances – which happens.
6 Things we have learned about Baby J this week:
1. He goes through 10 to 12 diapers a day, sometimes one right after the other.
2. Only 3 things make him cry: being wet, being hungry, needing a burp. It’s no use trying to find another reason, even if it doesn’t make sense that he could be wet, hungry, or needing a burp.
3. He had his first solid food – rice cereal – last night, and loved it. Ate every bit.
4. He is the most social baby. He beams when there’s company over, new people to coo over him.
5. He is fascinated by himself. He can stare into the mirror at himself without blinking.
6. He is nearly there on sitting up on his own, and can stand up as long as someone’s there to help him keep his balance. We may have to lower his mattress in his crib soon to keep him from climbing out.
One thing I didn't have to learn this week, but was emphasized:
1. Thank God for friends and family.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Baby "J"
As I write this, it’s 6 am, and we have a 5-month-old in a crib sleeping away with – I can tell you – a clean diaper and a full belly.
Yesterday, Ian called me to say he received a phone call from our social worker at about 5 o’clock pm about a 5-month-old girl. He proceeded to tell me the story of how she ended up in the system, which is convoluted and we probably don’t have all the facts – and probably wouldn’t give them all online if/when we do. Suffice to say, she was at the DCFS office, ready to be picked up. I called them to confirm we were interested in her, and was told that she was actually a he. No name yet, but come and get him right away.
(We learned his name later, and just like his history, going to keep that a secret on this public blog. Call him “J.”)
Our nursery is as complete as it can be considering we didn’t know the age/sex/number of what we would be getting. I ran out the door and picked up what I figured was the essential what-a-5-month-old-needs-to-survive-one-night-at-our-place: blue onesie for 9-12 month old, diapers (what size? No idea what he would weigh), wipes, dry formula, bottles, nipples (hee hee), and car seat.
I picked up Ian and we went to the office, getting there at about 7:30. They bought him out, and he was “cranky” as he had been all day. He howled in the social worker’s arms, and then he howled in mine. Ian took him, and he calmed down immediately, and smiled and played with Ian’s glasses. The social worker said that was the best they had seen him all day. I can see I’m going to have to work on this.
Half-way back to our house in the car, he fell asleep in the car seat, his hand gripping mine. We got home at 8 and he slept until 11. First diaper change, unsuccessful attempt to get him to take a bottle of formula, and then swinging him around the house until 1 am when he decided to sleep.
He woke up, not crying, at 5 with a wet diaper. Changed, and finally got him to eat, and again to sleep.
Got so much to do today, going to pediatrician, meeting with social worker, picking up all the additional things didn’t have time to get tomorrow.
Hopefully, he’ll get to stay with us, because we’re smitten.
Yesterday, Ian called me to say he received a phone call from our social worker at about 5 o’clock pm about a 5-month-old girl. He proceeded to tell me the story of how she ended up in the system, which is convoluted and we probably don’t have all the facts – and probably wouldn’t give them all online if/when we do. Suffice to say, she was at the DCFS office, ready to be picked up. I called them to confirm we were interested in her, and was told that she was actually a he. No name yet, but come and get him right away.
(We learned his name later, and just like his history, going to keep that a secret on this public blog. Call him “J.”)
Our nursery is as complete as it can be considering we didn’t know the age/sex/number of what we would be getting. I ran out the door and picked up what I figured was the essential what-a-5-month-old-needs-to-survive-one-night-at-our-place: blue onesie for 9-12 month old, diapers (what size? No idea what he would weigh), wipes, dry formula, bottles, nipples (hee hee), and car seat.
I picked up Ian and we went to the office, getting there at about 7:30. They bought him out, and he was “cranky” as he had been all day. He howled in the social worker’s arms, and then he howled in mine. Ian took him, and he calmed down immediately, and smiled and played with Ian’s glasses. The social worker said that was the best they had seen him all day. I can see I’m going to have to work on this.
Half-way back to our house in the car, he fell asleep in the car seat, his hand gripping mine. We got home at 8 and he slept until 11. First diaper change, unsuccessful attempt to get him to take a bottle of formula, and then swinging him around the house until 1 am when he decided to sleep.
He woke up, not crying, at 5 with a wet diaper. Changed, and finally got him to eat, and again to sleep.
Got so much to do today, going to pediatrician, meeting with social worker, picking up all the additional things didn’t have time to get tomorrow.
Hopefully, he’ll get to stay with us, because we’re smitten.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Close Call and Call Waiting
Another near miss with getting a baby. I was on the phone having a business call, and Ian was in a meeting as well, and when we got off, we both had voicemails telling us to call our social worker right away. I got to them first, and was told about a two-day-old baby boy, born positive for cocaine, but with no medical issues. His mother was incarcerated, his father was unknown. This was an emergency placement where someone needed to pick him up right away.
We were second on the list, and the people ahead of us were supposed to be calling back in 5 or 10 minutes to give a definite yes or no. 5 or 10 minutes turned into 30, and I impatiently called back, and was told our social worker was on the phone with them and would call me back. Another half an hour, and she called to tell me that they had decided to say yes.
In the meantime, I had straightened up the nursery, and Ian and I separately had gotten our hopes up. It made the frustration more painful when it didn’t happen, but the truth is that it was just bad luck. No one at fault. We hope he ended up in a good family.
And we hope the next one will be ours.
If I’m on the phone with you, please understand if I have to hang up if another call comes through. Heh heh heh.
We were second on the list, and the people ahead of us were supposed to be calling back in 5 or 10 minutes to give a definite yes or no. 5 or 10 minutes turned into 30, and I impatiently called back, and was told our social worker was on the phone with them and would call me back. Another half an hour, and she called to tell me that they had decided to say yes.
In the meantime, I had straightened up the nursery, and Ian and I separately had gotten our hopes up. It made the frustration more painful when it didn’t happen, but the truth is that it was just bad luck. No one at fault. We hope he ended up in a good family.
And we hope the next one will be ours.
If I’m on the phone with you, please understand if I have to hang up if another call comes through. Heh heh heh.
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